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speed traps and radar

In message <199612161946.OAA13070@coimbra.ans.net> fjbauer@dsavm.e-mail.com writes:

> Frank J. Bauer                                                           
> dassault systemes of America                 
> phil sez:                                                                       
> > Is it time to repost "Trolling for Taillights" ?                              
> PLEASE DO!                                                                      

You (and others) asked for it.  No apologies if you've seen it before - I think 
I might even have got it here ...

              Trolling for Taillights (and related Effluvia)
                          Draft 3.0 (05/25/92)


Trolling For Taillights (TFT) is becoming one of America's fastest
growing highway participatory sports.  It is loads of fun, requires
only modest equipment and achieves justice on the highway.  And it is
Good Clean Fun (TM) at least until the target has to clean his drawers.

TFT refers, of course, to the sport of communicating to other drivers
by stimulating their radar detectors and observing and recording their
responses.  Only simple radio equipment is needed:  an old microwave
burglar alarm will do fine.  More sophisticated equipment such as
a Kustom KR-11 Instant On Moving Police Radar will yield better and more
consistent results.  Nontheless $10 worth of Gunn Oscillator will
achieve quite adequate scores if the proper skills are practiced.

How it Works:

Think of RADAR as a Tractor Beam.  It's a vector-subtraction
ray, a  negative speed insertion device: If the target is ahead,
it sucks them back toward you; if they're behind, it pushes them
away. One can also think of it as a high-tech version of the
American Indian game of counting coup.   In short, think of it
as evolution in action, as in Road Warrior.

Safety First:

Because the target of your trolling may react erratically, certain basic
safety rules are necessary.

*   No trolling of vehicles with less than two car lengths of clearance
    behind and in the lane to either side (if applicable.)  This allows
    for an Unintended Deceleration Transient (UDT.)

*   No trolling of Texas Cadillacs (pickemup trucks.) with large dogs
    standing on the toolbox.  The dog might not like it.

*   A minimum of 1/10 mile clearance between you and the target is
    required if the target is placarded with any of the following:

    "High Explosive"
    "Nuclear Weapon"  (2/10 mile for this one.)

Special Awards:

It is desirable to recognize outstanding fishermen in our ranks.  Accordingly
the following special award catagories are established:

*   The Million Dollar Club - A million total points.

*   The Kilobrake Trophy - Causing one thousand Brake applications.

*   1000 Points of Light - Causing the most simultaneous brake lights
    in any one year.

*   Worked All States (WAS) - Snagging a trophy catch originating from each
    of the 50 states.

*   Golden Jam Award - Causing the largest traffic jam as a result of
    trolling WITHOUT involving a wreck in any one year.

If you think you qualify, contact the management for your award.  Video
tape is highly recommended for scoring purposes and for documenting
when the cop mistakes your head for a baby Harp Seal.

Rules of Engagement:

Trolling posture

    Proper trolling posture is in the right or next to right lane with
    the Radar at the ready but out of sight and de-energized.  Speed
    should be at or slightly below the speed limit.

Eligible Targets

    An eligible target is any vehicle that meets the above safety
    specifications and has a radar detector.

Target Selection

    A target proceeding at greater than 20 mph over the posted speed
    limit is the most fertile in terms of variety of actions and presents
    the best odds of winning Adders and Multipliers.

Firing techniques

    Forward - Wait until the target is a few car lengths in front of you
    and fire phasers.  Best results are achieved if the Radar is
    bounced off a sign or overpass ahead of both you and the target.  It
    is best to confine your range to that where you know your Radar
    will cause the target's detector to go full scale.

    Rear - Generally confined to eliminating Rear Bumper Dwellers because
    of the difficulty in scoring, the best technique  is known as the
    Annie Oakley style.  Simply lay the Radar across your shoulder and
    fire.  Since you are achieving line of sight contact with his
    detector, the results are spectacular.  The Tractor beam in action.

Setting up for Subsequent Shots:

    If you have a target that appears to be fertile for a repeat multiplier,
    the best technique is to wait a minute or two and then pass the
    target.  This encourages the target to resume trolling speed again.
    Lead the target for awhile to build his confidence and then lift the
    throttle and coast.  Allow the target to pass you again and when
    you achieve minimum clearance, fire again.  Repeat Phasors coupled
    with the vague recollection in the target's mine that you just
    slowed way down will generally lead to spectacular trolling.
    This technique can be use up to about 5 times (10 on yuppys and lawyers)
    on a given target before he figures something's up.  About the
    4th or 5th shot is the optimum time to set the target up for
    a nuke (see definition below.)  The use of an intergalactic communicator
    (CB) is vitally handy for assessing the conditions favorable
    for nuking.

Special Techniques and Definitions:

These techniques have been found to produce better scores than shooting
for lone targets.

Nerd Herding:  If you spot multiple cars equipped with radar detector, you
    can herd them into a cluster by zapping them each time one tries to pass

Wolf Pack:  Played by two or more cars in convoy, communicating on an
    obscure non-CB frequency:  Wingman trails leader by about 1/2 mile, spots
    targets and gives early warning to leader.  Leader fires rearward, hitting
    the marks with a strong head-on signal.  Wingman confirms hits. Leader and
    wingman try to see how many marks they can herd between them.

Left Lane Bandit Blasting:  This dual purpose technique yields good scores
    and frequently busts up Left Lane Bandit clumps.  This is the one
    instance where clearance rules are relaxed. This is used when
    the trolling vehicle is stuck behind a bunch of left-lane-bandits
    proceeding side by side with geriatrics (real or premature) in the
    more right lanes.  If there are more than 3 or 4 cars in the clump,
    odds are one vehicle will have a radar detector and will be driven
    by a target who will respond to the troll even when going below the
    speed limit.  Also known as the Paranoid Factor.  Technique is
    to lift throttle (to give you some room) and firing into the
    crowd.  The inherent entropy introduced by the tractor beam
    will tend to scatter the cars so that you can find a way through the
    mess.  You bust a left lane bandit and score at the same time.
    Also known as "Bumper Cars."

Yuppy Puppy: Canine Critters, generally of a large/exotic/expensive breed
    and always an utterly stupid, undisciplined monster.

Yuppy Larvae:  Similar to Yuppy Puppy except of human origin.  Generally
    the result of her taking something seriously he poked at her in fun.
    Also known, depending on context and age,  as "accident", Yard Ape,
    Busted Rubber, Curtain Climber or Precious.  Personality characteristics
    are almost identical to the Yuppy Puppy except that the Larvae is
    louder and is generally allowed in restaurants and movie theaters
    where they do maximum damage.


Scoring is done in accordance with the following table. This table recognizes
the added value of multiple hits on a given target and on the difficulty
inherent in getting multiple responses from one hit.

The easiest way to score is to get one of those handheld counting "clickers"
like are used by the gate keepers at the ballpark to count fans.  This
is that chrome golf-ball sized orb that contains a mechanical counter and
a pushbutton that increments the count.  Available from your local office
supply store for a nominal price.  Scores can be kept in a log book
for submittal to the management.   Winners (and L00zers) will be
recognized accordingly.

Basic scoring: What the target does:  Select all that apply and add.

Looks about, slows down                   = 1 point
Tail lights                               = 2 point
Hard braking                              = 3 points
Lane change                               = 3 points
Hides his radar detector                  = 4 points
Blue smoke from tires                     = 5 points
Hits an exit                              = 10 points
Turns off detector                        = 10 points.
Pulls over and fakes car trouble          = 12 points
Hits median and goes the other way        = 15 points

Bonus Adders:  Add these bonus points to whatever you got above:

Fuzzy dice                                 + 1 point
Suction Cup Garfield (or other critter)    + 1 point
Was already below the speed limit          + 2 points
Cellphone in use                           + 2 points
Radar detector has cord draped across dash + 2 points
Eating/drinking interrupted                + 2 points
    "   "   "       , stuff spilled        + 4 points
Audio hit *                                + 3 points
Yuppy puppy  on board                      + 3 points
Yuppy larvae on board  (see definitions)   + 3 points
""  "" "" with sign announcing same        + 5 points
Slapping of yuppy larvae interrupted       + 4 points
Vanity tag                                 + 5 points
CB                                         ** see below
Makeup being applied                       + 6 points
Head to head hit (opposite direction)      + 8 points
Bimbo (male or female)                     + 10 points
Sexual act interrupted                     + 15 points
Off-duty cop                               + 20 points
Fully dressed police cruiser               + 30 points
Confirmed lawyer                           + 40 points
Lawyer w/vanity tag that says "Tort"       + 50 points

*   Audio hit - when you're close enough to hear the target's detector
**  CB radio.  Take 5 points for initial report of your hit on CB radio
    and 5 points for each 10 minutes it's talked about.

Just add 'em all up and then do the multiplier.

Multipliers:  Take all that apply.

Each subsequent hit on a target            X (count of hits on that target)
Yuppy scum                                 X 2
BMW/Benz/Porche/Jap clone thereof          X 3
Motorcycle                                 X 5  (reflects rarity)
Yuppy puppy bus (minivan)                  X 4
Lo-riders, similar vehicles                X 3
Junker                                     X 2
Nuke *                                     X 10

* "Nuke" is the term used when the target is baited into busting a
  real radar trap.  Ticket must be issued to count.

Penalty box:  Subtract these points:

Target shoots back with single digit of the hand      - 2 points
                        with radar                    - 5 points
                        with gun                      - 10 points
Caught for speeding while trolling                    - 10 points
Caught for more serious infraction while trolling     - 15 points
Operating without a radio license                     - 20 points
Getting trolled by another competitor *               - 20 points
Getting caught by the Phuzz without license           - 25 points
Getting caught by Uncle Charlie without license       - 30 points
Having trolling implement confiscated                 - 40 pts + disqual.
Caught for speeding by RADAR while trolling           - 50 points

*  Defined as responding as a target to another competitor's tractor beam.

 Phil Payne
 Committee Member, UK Audi [ur-]quattro Owners Club