[V8] A rear engined VW in my garage.....again!

diemarthadie at aol.com diemarthadie at aol.com
Sun Jul 19 07:43:45 PDT 2009

That started my day better than the usual coffee :)

I want a soccer-kicking Jalapeno van!

I wouldn't want to make Wilhelm Kaiser von Otto mad... although he does 
have a history of unifying Germans

-----Original Message-----

From: Roger Woodbury <rmwoodbury at roadrunner.com>

To: v8 at audifans.com

Sent: Sun, Jul 19, 2009 6:22 am

Subject: [V8] A rear engined VW in my garage.....again!

I read this morning that a deal is close to being finalized whereby

Volkswagen will acquire Porsche.  This is another report in the 

saga in which Porsche was going to acquire VW, or VW would acquire 

or Toyota was going to acquire both of them, or Mercedes-Benz was going 

invade Wolfsburg and kill them all.  It now seems that the fury has died

down, and it will be VW who will be buying 49% of Porsche NOW, and the 

later.  Porsche is out of money, out of credit, and because its CEO 

Wiedeking never learned anything from history, out of luck.

So I can see VW stepping in quickly to rectify some recent mistakes 
made by

Porsche in its ignorant assumption that there would always be a huge 

for its vastly over engineered, over priced and somewhat under made 
cars in

the US, the middle east and China.  Here is what could happen:

*   Plans for production of the Porsche Panamera will be scrapped.  With

132 buttons on the interior of the car, and the overall delivered cost 

over $115,000 considered simply too high for any reasonable sales in 
the US

especially, the new CFO of VW's division will cut the project.  Rumors 

that VW will appoint Wilhelm Kaiser von Otto as the new CFO, while 

will become CEO of Porsche Group, essentially a backwater job.  Kaiser 

Otto is notorious as a hatchetman in car circles, and he has been 
quoted in

some of the automotive press as saying that, "Americans are too stupid 

poorly educated to be able to remember what 130 buttons in a car are 


*   The "new" Porsche division will get a slightly upmarket edition of

VW's Chrysler Town and Country sourced van introduced this year.  No 

has been selected yet for this new to Porsche production platform, but 
it is

code named "paprika" internally.  Rumors persist that at time of

introduction, it will be called the "Jalapeno" to imply a familial

connection with Porsche "Cayenne".  The new van will not carry the 

VW V6 engine either.  Supposedly work has been underway for two major

changes to the van platform, and the key switch will be moved to the 

hand side of the steering wheel, and the engine will be a slightly 

version of the flat six used in the Porsche Boxter.  Aimed at the 

soccer mom, the new Van will also have an innovative front bumper system

tied in to the emergency brake assist program.  When a collision is 

imminent by the computer, the front bumper extends sixty centimeters as 

defensive move, taking 13 nano seconds.  Reports from Stuttgart indicate

that there are difficulties with this system however.  Internally it is

called "the soccer kick", and so far it has worked entirely too well.  

time a Jalapena Van has been driven in traffic, when coming to a stop 

other vehicles, it has a tendancy to automatically deploy if a Toyota or

Honda is immediately in front.  No programming explanation has been 

for this defect as yet.  Rumors that French cars are also struck by "the

soccer kick" system, are denied by Porsche management.

*   The Cayman sports car will be getting a serious makeover.  Instead

of its current water cooled engine, a version of VW's original beetle 

cc air cooled engine will be used in this vehicle.  Citing lowered 

factors, the new four cylinder air cooled boxer engine will have four 

carburetors, and a unique cylinder head design that gives each of the 20

valves its own camshaft.  The engine develops a reported 327 
horsepower, and

its use is a return to the strengths that made VW what it is, according 

an internal memorandum.

Both Porsche and VW are controlled by members of the same family, 

they are not all friends.  Porsche has made a terrific attempt at 
buying VW,

but its development of first the financially successful Cayenne, then 

reptilian Cayman, and now the Panamera (a car that no one will want, few

could afford and many fewer could service) has resulted in the small 

car company becoming so burdened with debt that it is close to failure.

This misreading of history, and miscalculation of its market position 

virtually require a takeover by a larger more thoughtful company, and 
VW is

the only real option according to news reports.  Rumors that Porsche had

considered a takeover offer from Toyota are vigorously denied by Porsche

management.  Also vigorously denied by Porsche are rumors that top board

members have been quoted as saying that they hold Toyota responsible 
for not

relieving Von Paulus's sixth army group at Stalingrad.

My friend, the European auto journalist may be visiting here in August 

his annual Maine lobster.  He usually has lots of interesting automobile

tales that come out under the spell of Maine lobster and a nice little

German Riesling that I keep in the wine cellar.  I may have more on this

breaking news later on in the summer.

Remember: you heard it first here!



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