[Vwdiesel] OT, but cute... Oil Changes revisited

Gerry Wolfe GerryWolfe at shaw.ca
Sun Jan 28 19:49:49 EST 2007

I just had one of these experiences today, trying to build a wooden molding around the outside of a too-big mirror  (to hide lost silver backing along the sides), glued to the corner of two walls (never square)... foolishly killed myself making perfect 45degree compound-mitred joints using hand tools... yadda yadda... 

      Oil Change instructions for Women:

      1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000
      miles since the last oil change.
      2) Drink a cup of coffee
      3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a
      properly maintained vehicle.

      Money spent:
      Oil Change: $20.00
      Coffee: $ 1.00
      Total: $21.00

      Oil Change instructions for Men:

      1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and
      buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree,
      write a check for $50.00.
      2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check
      for $20, drive home.
      3) Open a beer and drink it.
      4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack
      5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
      6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
      7) Place drain pan under engine.
      8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
      9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
      10) Unscrew drain plug.
      11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil
      on you in process.
      12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of
      face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
      13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
      14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
      15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver
      through oil filter and twist off.
      16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter
      splashing oil
      everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter
      among trash in trash can
      to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
      17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin
      coat of oil to gasket surface.
      18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
      19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
      20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
      21) Drink beer.
      22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on
      the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
      23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill.
      Drink beer.
      24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes.
      Wipe eyes with oily rag
      used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent
      wrench tightening drain
      plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess
      skin between knuckles and frame.
      25) Begin cussing fit.
      26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
      27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit
      bowling trophy.
      28) Beer.
      29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop
      blood flow.
      30) Beer.
      31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
      32) Beer.
      33) Lower car from jack stands.
      34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh
      oil spilled during any missed steps.
      35) Beer.
      36) Test drive car.
      37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the
      38) Car gets impounded.
      39) Call loving wife, make bail.
      40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

      Money spent:
      Parts: $50.00
      DUI: $2500.00
      Impound fee: $75.00
      Bail: $1500.00
      Beer: $20.00
      Total: $4,145.00
      But you know the job was done right!



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