[200q20v] Re: Christmas with Louise (NAC)

Kneale Brownson knotnook at traverse.com
Sat Nov 17 10:01:47 EST 2001

Best Saturday morning laugh I've had in a while, Robert.  I've copied to a
couple other Audifans lists.

At 01:07 AM 11/17/2001 -0600, Robert Bauer wrote:

>Humor for the day!
>As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty
>hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all
>he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say
>about Santa checking the list twice must be true
>because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids'
>stockings were overflowing, his poor pantyhose hung
>sadly empty.
>One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put
>on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love
>doll. They don't sell those things at Wal Mart. I
>had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've
>never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only
>confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things
>"What does this do?"
>"You're kidding me!"
>"Who would buy that?"
>Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I
>wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that
>could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I
>could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding
>what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many
>different models. The top of the line, according to the side of
>the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on
>animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise." She
>was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise
>a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas
>Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came
>to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let
>me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa
>had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose
>with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some
>cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on
>a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple
>of hours. The next morning my brother called to say
>that Santa had been to his house and left a present
>that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog
>confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then
>come back and bark some more. We all agreed that
>Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of
>the family could admire her when they came over for
>the traditional Christmas dinner. My grandmother
>noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
>"What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly
>explained, "It's a doll."
>"Who would play with something like that?" Granny
>snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my
>mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny
>continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,"
>Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room.
>But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any
>teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I?
>It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the
>ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny! Hang on!"
>My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor
>eyesight, sidled up to me and said, " Hey, who's the
>naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was
>Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by
>the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but
>actually flirting. It was then that we realized this
>might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home. The dinner
>went well. We made the usual small talk about who had
>died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when
>suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like
>my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she
>lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room
>twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The
>cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my
>nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his
>knees, and began administering mouth to mouth
>resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair
>and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin,
>stomped out of the house, and sat in the car. It was
>indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in
>my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough
>examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse.
>We discovered that Louise had
>suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right
>thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called
>duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. It was
>indeed a wonderful Christmas. SMILE....It's contagious

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