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No Audi content but worth reading
> TOOLS, EXPLAINED
> HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
> nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive
> car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
> MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents
> of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works
> particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or
> tonneau covers.
> ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop
> rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also
> works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of
> a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear
> PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
> HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija
> board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked,
> unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its
> course, the more dismal your future becomes.
> VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
> available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding
> heat to the palm of your hand.
> OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting those
> stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the
> Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to look in
> _there_?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid
> for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell.
> ZIPPO LIGHTER: See oxyacetelene torch.
> WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars
> and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month
> old Salems from the sort of person who would throw them away for
> no good reason.
> DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
> snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it
> smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room,
> splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster over the bench
> WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them
> somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also
> removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in
> about the time it takes you to say, "Django Reinhardt."
> HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground
> after you have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road
> springs, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front air
> EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward
> off a hydraulic jack.
> TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
> PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has
> another hydraulic floor jack.
> SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool
> for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off
> your boot.
> E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes
> and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
> TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease
> buildup on crankshaft pulleys.
> TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the
> tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you
> may have forgotten to disconnect.
> CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying
> tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver
> tip on the end without the handle.
> BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring
> sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox
> after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just
> as you thought.
> AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
> TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes
> called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the
> sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at
> night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume
> 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer
> shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the
> Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is
> somewhat misleading.
> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of
> old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt;
> can also be used, as the name implies, to round-out Phillips
> screw heads.
> AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
> coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into
> compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic
> impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened
> 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds
> them off.
>Subject: Air Force Maintenance
> Actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the
> replies from the maintenance crews.
> Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
> Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
> Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
> Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
> Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
> Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."
> Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
> Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
> Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
> Solution: "Evidence removed."
> Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
> Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
> Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
> Solution: "Live bugs on order."
> Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
> Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."
> Problem: "IFF inoperative."
> Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."
> Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
> Solution: "That's what they're there for."
> Problem: "Number three engine missing."
> Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."